Without further ado, I introduce to you, the Movie Goers!
The Talker: Whether it's to the person next to them or on the phone, this person cannot shut their mouth. They comment on the actors/actresses, the plot or (if the movie is based on the book) will spoil the movie for you by saying what happens next. They also enjoy making small, snide comments that they think are funny. In reality, this person is no funnier than a dumpster with a dead body.
The Texter: This person always seems to be sitting in the row one or two rows ahead of you, so the bright light from their cell phone screen distracts you from the movie that you payed a good sum of money to see. They also don't even attempt to hide it. In fact, for the most part it looks like they are attending a Bon Jovi concert during the song, “I'll Be There For You” and they are waving their phone back and forth.
The Laughers: These people are probably the best people on this list to see a movie with (besides the Normal People). Whether is is a hyena, chipmunk or Santa Claus laugh, these people aren't afraid to share it with the entire theater. Even if nothing is funny in the movie, they still find things to laugh about. Example: Bella does one of her infamous gasping/half-gaping mouth moments and the Laugher emits a loud, bellowing laugh.
The Baby: No matter what movie you are seeing,whether it is Happy Feet or Saw XII, there is always a neglected newborn baby in the theater with you. The baby will be starving, have crapped his/her pants and will be terribly tired, but the noise of chopping up bodies is not relaxing enough to sleep. Therefore, this baby will cry on and off your entire movie. The parents could care less about their whining child, and block the shrill cries out of there heads until the movie draws near the last ten minutes. Then it's like a miracle: they are no longer deaf, they hear their child crying and act like the most concerned parent.
The Shooshers: Everyone has encountered at least one of these in their movie watching career. The will find any excuse to “shoosh” the people around them. You cough? Shush. You sneeze? Shoosh! And Heaven forbid your seat creaks, or else they respond with a “SHUT UP!” It's a hard life when you sit by a shoosher. You miss more of the movie by them “shooshing” than the people who are actually making the noise that started the crazed hushing.
The Crier: These are the people that need a box of tissues next to them at all times. Usually female, but I have encountered a few male Criers. I'm not just talking about crying at the generic death or sentimental scenes either. The man is walking down the street in a busy city and they see a homeless person sitting on the bench in the background: Instant tears. The dog in a movie is sitting in the corner with his head in his paws, obviously bored: Heavy sobbing for the neglected dog. I'm all for showing emotion, but there comes a time where you need to man up. They will also usually be blowing their nose quite often during the movie, which causes a major distraction.
The Heavy Breather: This person sounds like they have just ran a marathon and are in desperate need of a deep breath. Every quiet part of the movie, you are instantly drawn to their loud intake and exhale of breath. Usually nasally and you have the occasional whistle. This person needs to take Silent Breathing lessons.
The Kickers/Rockers: You always get excited when you walk into a theater and no one is there. You pick the perfect seat, level with the middle of the screen and near the center of the row. You're disappointed when you see other people walk into the theater, but, it's a big theater! They shouldn't need to sit next to you. Without a doubt, they sit in the seat behind you. You feel your seat fly forward as the “accidentally” hit the back of the chair. This accident occurs about fifty more times throughout the movie. More people enter the theater and, even though the ENTIRE rest of the theater is open, they choose the seat in front of you. As soon as they sit, they plop back in their seat and rock all the way back to hit your knees. They slightly turn and say sorry, and this occurs about thirty more times throughout the movie.
The Couple: I'm all for love, so don't take this the wrong way, but there is nothing worse then when I am sitting in a movie and two rows in front of me, I see two people converge as one big blob and hear face sucking. Major face sucking. That's the reason you have things called “homes” and “bedrooms”, don't do that in the movie theater. It's gross. Watch the movie.
The Giggling Teenage Girls: The girls who only come to see a movie for the big hollywood tween sensation. Worse in movies with any mainstream “hot” guy (ei. Ryan Gosling, Taylor Lautner). Giggle and make a big ruckus whenever the man appears on the screen and have no idea of the actual plot or other actors/actresses in the movie.
The Slurpers and Cow Chewers: If you are really that thirsty where you are going to sit there and slurp your drink until you get the very last drop of soda out, I will give you five dollars to go and get a new pop. If you are REALLY that thirsty. And, didn't your mother ever teach you to chew with your mouth closed? It's honestly disgusting when I am sitting ten rows away from you and I can hear you chomping on your Reeses Pieces and popcorn. Close your mouth and get a refill you Slurpers and Cow Chewers.
The Demon Children: Running through the aisles, screaming in the theaters or constantly turning to your mother and asking her, “Mom, what happened?” is annoying, little demon children. Please, take a hint from Billy and Mary Jane here who are both sitting quietly in their chairs. There is a reason people like Billy and Mary Jane and then think you are annoying. Another thing, for Heaven's sake, parents, gain control of your children. If you can't control them, you shouldn't be taking them to a movie in the first place. (To the little girl that went and saw Twilight and kept on asking her brother what was going on: Wait until your older when you can understand what is happening. Asking your brother how she got pregnant in the middle of the movie in not an appropriate time or place for that question...)
Testosterone-Filled Males: To all my boys out there that will not succumb to seeing a stupid “girl” movie, this one is you! You love those movies full of action, adventure, and Jackie Chan or Bruce Willis. Screw the plot! As long as there are car chases and guns, you are one happy camper. In fact, whenever there is an explosion, you hoot and holler with joy. Whenever they show a nice car, you pretend to like it and pretend to know exactly what type of car it is. Whenever they show a chick, the less clothes she wears, the hotter you believe she is. You are just the average Testosterone-Filled Male.
The Normal People: Thank the Lord for people like you. You get to your show before the actual film starts, you chew with your mouth closed and you sit nicely throughout the entire movie. You also appreciate movies with actual substance and don't go for movies based on actors or whether or not they are “action-y” or not. If you consider yourself in this category, re-read all of the other options because, chances are, you aren't normal and do one or more of the things listed above. Unless of course, you actually ARE normal. In that case, congratulations! People like you because of your movie theater etiquette!
Happy Thanksgiving!
K.G. Sunshine
I just watched a movie, and I had some serious seat kickers right behind me. I wanted to turn around and do something illegal. >.<
ReplyDelete